Nanashi (meaning I don't know yet)
by Pickles
Summary: Aya dishes out some major emotional abuse for Yohji as he tells him their relationship is over. What Yohji doesn't see is, Aya's scared of his own feelings, of Yohji, and of commitment.... Please, if you read, review, it's not that much to ask.
1. When You Gonna Learn?

Umm... hi, peeps. This is my as yet untitled fic. It deals with what happens AFTER "The Aftereffects of Leather Pants." I currently have no name for this story, which will be a multi-chapter deal (I SWEAR!!!!), so I have decided to call it... That's right...  
  
Nanashi!!  
  
Okay, I couldn't resist. I know it sucks. So sue me.  
  
No, don't sue me! I didn't mean it! Just to make sure you don't...  
  
Weiss belongs to Project Weiss and the people behind it. I do not own, I repeat, DO NOT OWN, Weiss Kreuz. If I did, d'you think I'd be this poor? D'you think I'd be writing fanfics? No siree, I would be working on new storylines...  
  
Credits (meaning these are the people who put up with me) for this fic go to...  
  
The ever-present, ever-listening, rarely-patient and ever-caring Moonflower and Chibi Yaoi Tenshi (who changes screennames so much it's a good thing I know her in real life)!!! Also, Wyachi, who shall join ff.net soon if he hasn't already, and DyingRose1 on AOL. You people are so good to me, I don't know what I'd do without you. Oh, and I can't forget the driving annoyance in my life, and my best friend, Din'Amarth. Thanks, Din, for being there (even when I know you had better things to do like playing your new PS2).  
  
And, of course, everyone out there kind enough to give me a review. You people are great, and I thank you very much for every single review I've ever gotten on anything I've ever written. (Except for Lord Vegeta... let me tell you, peeps, he is a first rate ass!!! I had his review removed...) Must have reviews... MUST HAVE REVIEWS...  
  
Well, I do believe that's the end of that little pointless author's note. To the story!!!  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi  
  
~~~  
  
I awake slowly. I am much warmer than usual, and I cannot figure out why. My head and arm both lay over something with a heat of its own. Something that feels suspiciously like... skin?  
  
I open my eyes at that thought. There is only a slight change in what I can see; I like my room dark. I can see enough, however, to know that there is someone else in my bed with me. Yohji?  
  
The events of last night hit me like a train. I remember everything, from the club to what I said to him, just before we both fell asleep. What I said... I could not have picked three more damning words to say to him. What sort of idiot am I? He's a playboy. The only reason he's stuck around this long is because he figured I my ass would be a pretty tight fuck, I know it. I hope my virginity was enough for him.  
  
I sit up and shoot out of bed, heading for my dresser. Grabbing my sweater and a pair of pants, I dash out of the room, not caring what he thinks when he wakes up. At least, I keep trying to tell myself that.  
  
Gods... I had to say "I love you," didn't I.  
  
I slip into the bathroom to dress, cursing myself for my stupidity of saying that to Yohji all the while. Maybe I didn't mean it. Maybe the words just slipped out of my mouth in the heat of the moment.  
  
What heat? There's no heat after sex, and I know it. I might as well face it. I was stupid enough to hand Yohji my heart in a glass box last night.  
  
Please, Yohji, don't throw the box on the ground.  
  
~~~  
  
I awake quickly. I just heard a door slam. Wait - this isn't my room - it's Aya's. What the hell am I doing in Aya's room?  
  
Last night's events wash over my mind. Taking Aya out... bringing Aya home... making love to Aya... Aya saying he loves me...  
  
Aya said he loves me?  
  
I can barely suppress a grin. I reach beside me to draw the redhead to me... and he isn't there. Why isn't he there? What isn't he here with me? This is his room, his bed, and he doesn't even eat breakfast.  
  
I want him to be here with me. I want to wrap my arms around his sleeping body, and hold him until he wakes up. I want to tell him I love him. I want to make love again, but not like we did last night, slow this time, where all we want is to see how much of the morning we can fill up with each other. In that order, that is what I want to do.  
  
I can't do that if he's not here.  
  
Dammit, where is he?  
  
Maybe he went to the bathroom. Yeah, that's it.  
  
~~~  
  
I open the bathroom door and Yohji's there, in all his glory. His lanky body is barely clothed, in my bathrobe, no less, and his honey-blonde hair is a mess. His emerald eyes regard me, and then he's on me before I know it, arms around me, mouth on my neck.  
  
No. No, I don't want this. Stop it. Stop.  
  
"Don't do this."  
  
He steps back to regard me again. This time, confusion swirls those emerald orbs. "Is this some sort of joke, Aya-kun?" His voice is uncertain. He doesn't have words for this situation.  
  
"I rarely joke." I step past him.  
  
"But you said last night-"  
  
"Forget what I said last night," I say curtly, spinning on me my heel to look at him. "Forget last night.  
  
"Forget us."  
  
~~~  
  
I slide on Aya's bathrobe, and stumble out of his room, heading for the bathroom. Just before I get there, the door opens, and out comes Aya in his horrible orange sweater. He looks great anyway, red hair falling around his face like strands of silk. He's got those gorgeous violet eyes looking at me, burning into me like they always do.  
  
He doesn't look great.  
  
He looks edible.  
  
Before I know what I am doing, I'm pressing him against the wall. My arm are wrapped around his waist, and my mouth is on his neck, his smooth skin tasting sweet. I can feel his pulse through it. Hell if I know how I got here, but I'm not complaining.  
  
I hear his voice. He is quiet - hardly more than whispering - but the words are enough to stop me in my tracks. "Don't do this."  
  
I back up to look at him, to take a closer look. His eyes are cold, violet ice like they used to be. I spent the last six and a half months watching those eyes melt. He can't mean this. "Is this some sort of joke, Aya-kun?" I ask him hopefully.  
  
"I rarely joke." He brushes past me like I'm not there.  
  
I try to grasp what he's telling me. "But you said last night-"  
  
Aya cuts me off, turning to look at me with those icy cold eyes. It's Aya's cold fury again, the look I haven't seen directed at me in so long. "Forget what I said last night," Aya says coldly. "Forget last night.  
  
"Forget us."  
  
~~~  
  
I don't want to see the look on his face. I can imagine it well enough - the shock of being turned down, followed by a look of nonchalant resignation. I turn away from him and head down the hall to my room. I need to do something to get all of this off my mind - my katana. I need to get my katana. I need to practice with my katana. I need my katana. My katana can suck all my thoughts away.  
  
I walk into my room - and I am assaulted. My room smells of him, of his cologne, his favorite drink, his sex. His clothes are strewn about my room, like a raid was held. My things are all over too, but that isn't as bad - at least they're MY clothes.  
  
I throw his clothes out into the hall with all my strength - I need to get him, and all vestiges of him, out of my room. Then I pull my katana out of its box, still sheathed, and head for my dojo. I need the practice room there.  
  
~~~  
  
Aya turns away from me.  
  
I don't understand. How can he do this? Does he mean it? Can he do this? Is he really doing this?  
  
Is he really - leaving me?  
  
And then it hits me - you finally managed the impossible, Kudo. It's happened for the first time. Somebody's finally broken up with you. It just sucks for you that it's got to be the one you really care about, the only one you've ever really cared about.  
  
When you gonna learn, Kudo? When you gonna learn?  
  
I lean up against the wall for support - if I didn't, I'd have sunk to the floor by now. It feels like somebody has punched me in the stomach, hit me over the head, and taken my legs out from me all at once. No, it feels like Aya did all that. Aya did do all that.  
  
Aya's leaving me.  
  
When you gonna learn, Kudo?  
  
I don't understand. What did I do wrong? What made him decide to drop me all of a sudden, like this? I feel pretty confident - even at this point - that it wasn't the sex, what little we did have of that. Did I hurt him? If I did, I never meant to. Did I ignore him? I spent almost all my waking moments trying to show him that I cared, that I loved him. I tried to make him feel - safe with me. Loved. Did I not show him that I cared? I've never been that gentle with anyone in my life. What did I do wrong? It can't be his fault - even causing me this much pain, he's still too beautiful, too perfect for that. What did I do wrong? Why is Aya leaving me?  
  
Aya's leaving me.  
  
When you gonna learn, Kudo?  
  
He's in his room now. Wait - his door is opening. Maybe he'll come out. Maybe he'll smirk at me like he did last night, and tell me to get in there with him, now - But no. Instead, the clothes Aya assisted me in taking off last night fly out, hitting the wall hard enough to make the light fixtures rattle. The symbolism is there, and poignant. Aya doesn't want me, or my clothes, in his room anymore than he wants me and my emotional baggage in his life.  
  
Aya doesn't want me.  
  
Aya's leaving me.  
  
When you gonna learn, Kudo?  
  
I can see it in my head, a weird mental subimage - the house that is my life crashing down around my ears, debris hitting me, as its foundation is yanked out from underneath it. This image, more than anything, drives it home for me. I go into the abandoned bathroom and slam the door shut, locking it. I need some privacy before I cry.  
  
Aya's leaving me.  
  
When you gonna learn?  
  
~~~ 


	2. Fire Against Ice

*frowns disapprovingly* Now really people, you know I love you and everything, and I live off of your reviews... but get real! I KNOW Nanashi means 'no-name'; I am not the idiot you seem to think I am. Just because Weiss is all I've been writing lately (indeed, all I have been able to write) doesn't mean I know nothing about Gundam. I'm as big a fan of it as I am of Weiss, DragonballZ, SailorMoon (sadly enough), Records of Lodoss War, and whatever the heck else animes I like that I can't think of right now! GET OFF MY CASE ABOUT THE NANASHI THING!!!!! I'm simply calling it 'no- name' because I have no name for it. Get my drift?  
  
Good. Now that we have all that covered...  
  
Thank you for all your KIND reviews ^^ I'm so glad you like my stuff. The only way I could possibly be happier with my reviews is if I had one from P.L. Nunn, Rina Garet, Yanagi-sen, Aoe, and Shoori (who doesn't post here, or is that Aoe?). I hope you're happy with my work, I would hate to be misinterpreting all this.  
  
You know I'm poor, right? As poor as all the rest of you out there are. I have no money of my own - or I won't after the next time I go to the mall. See, as Christmas is just over, I have some money... but I'm still poor! Therefore, to keep what little pocket change I've got...  
  
Weiss Kreuz is the property of Project Weiss and its creators. I don't own it. If I did, I wouldn't be this poor, I would have posted a notice saying you can do whatever the heck you like to the boys as long as I like it, and I would be writing new episodes instead of fanfics. Do we all understand that Pickles is a poor, poor girl with no money and way too much time on her hands? Good class, let's move on!  
  
Credits for this go to my friend DyingRose1 solely this time (hey, I'm going to get around to every single one of them eventually in this fic, I promise!). If it hadn't been for her telling me all about her problems between her and a certain guy friend she's got, I don't think I would have been able to think up even half of this. Not that I use any of the events or even her feelings directly, mind you! It just helps to be on the outside looking in to a couple with problems, unlike the way I write. It makes me feel like I understand what I'm doing better. So thank you, DyingRose1, for letting me use you as literary fodder ^^  
  
Oh, and one more thing. Just because I don't have a name for the piece doesn't mean I don't have titles for the chapters. The first one is called 'When You Gonna Learn?' if you're interested o.o I know, sad. This one is called 'Fire Against Ice' and I like to kid myself into thinking it's got a slightly better title.  
  
*stares at her scroll button* Wow, these things get longer every time I write them. The author's notes, I mean, not the chapters. In fact, I think I'm justified in calling this a relatively short chapter (even for me). Don't threaten me with physical harm about the length of the chapters, like I've seen some people do. It just makes me stubbornly obstinate about keeping them short, and usually ends up giving me a case of writer's block. So just deal.  
  
Well, I think I'm done rambling now. Story time, children! Gather 'round!  
  
Oh, and a note for Moonflower... FLOOF!!!!!!!!!  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi - ch2  
  
Fire Against Ice  
  
~~~  
  
I can't take this.  
  
I don't know if I can hold out. Not against this. Not against Yohji's eyes following me everywhere. I though he would handle it better than this. I thought he would - not care. Oh sure, he'd be pissed at me for a few days for breaking up with him, but after a while he was supposedto get over it.  
  
But this - this is awful. He doesn't strut anymore. He slinks. I can't see the predator in his eyes anymore. Instead, I just see some pitiful, defenseless creature who has been tortured by someone it loves. I expected him to be flirting with the girls in the shop, just like always. It's like he doesn't even see them. I expected him to be bringing dates home again by now - it's been two weeks. But he hasn't even left the apartment except for a mission.  
  
I expected him to go back to normal. But if I didn't know better, I'd say he's heartbroken.  
  
He's watching me now, from across the living room. The television is on, but he's not even pretending to watch it. His eyes, emerald radiating something that does a remarkable imitation of pain, are cutting through me as I'm trying to read the paper. I put on my 'buy something or get out' face. I don't want to do this, but if he won't stop...  
  
"Quit staring at me, Kudo," I order, dropping the paper to stare back at him. I almost wince as his eyes meet mine. He should get some sort of acting award for this. I can almost feel unfathomable pain there . I remind myself that it's not real.  
  
"I can't, Aya-kun," he returns quietly. Brokenly, but resolved, like an innocent convicted man in the electric chair. This statement catches me off guard.  
  
"Why not?" I ask, keeping my look of disdain.  
  
"I can't until I figure it out," he says. His eyes lock with mine, fire against ice, green and violet, and he breaks my mask. I can feel him, suddenly, feel that this really isn't some show he's putting on to throw me off balance. He really is miserable without me. "Not until I figure out why you left me."  
  
I start at that. I never did explain it to him, did I? And yet, now that I know it does matter to him, I feel something - almost panic. Yohji really does care for me, and I - I care for him, I lo-  
  
No. No, I can't. I can't love anybody. Everybody I love leaves me. I - I can't love Yohji. I'm not ready. I'm not! I don't want him to be hurt. I don't want him to die. My leaving him is the only way I have to protect him from that, to protect me from that. I can't allow myself to love him. I can't.  
  
"I left," I say coldly, steeling myself against his reaction, "because I had to."  
  
"Why did you have to?" he asks, hands gripping the couch with white knuckles.  
  
"I had to because you don't need me." This is as close to the truth as I can come. I can't tell him. He would find a way to change my mind.  
  
He laughs, surprising me. It is a mirthless sound. "Don't I, Aya?" he asks, looking at me, green eyes gone as hard as my own. "Don't I need you? That's news to me." He stands up, and heads for the door.  
  
"Where are you going?" I ask him sharply. "Paychecks come tonight."  
  
"Gonna get myself a fix," he mutters at me.  
  
"I thought you quit," I scold.  
  
"Don't you understand anything? I quit for you." And with that, he walks out the door. I know from experience he will be back before I wake up, asleep on the couch. He will have to take the afternoon shift so he can have time to recover from his hangover.  
  
"Yohji," I sigh to myself, "don't. For yourself, don't do this."  
  
~~~  
  
I'm staring at Aya again. I can't help it. He's beautiful. Even when his eyes are pruple ice, even when he looks more like a porcelain doll than a living, breathing human being, he's stillthe most beautiful person I've ever seen.  
  
His face changes; he looks icy cold, like he's above everything and everyone. His head snaps up, his arms fold the paper in his lap, and he looks at me. "Quit staring at me, Kudo," he orders me harshly.  
  
I continue to look at him, hoping he'll see just what it is I'm feeling. Why did he do this? "I can't, Aya-kun," I say quietly, and it hurts to admit the truth; I am already so tied to Aya, so in love with him, that I can't even help looking at him, even though he hates me.  
  
His lower lip twitches slightly; I know his facial expressions well enough to know that he is surprised. "Why not?" he asks, still looking as though he's too good for a conversation with me - and he is. I can't believe he even took what I had to offer for that long.  
  
I answer him with the truth anyway. "I can't until I figure it out. Not until I figure out why you left me."  
  
I bring my eyes up to his, and we stare at each other. It is the old contest, fire against ice. He is always ice. He never melts. I am always fire; his coldness always extinguishes me. But not this time. Incredibly, the ice cracks, and his eyes look like dawn, not the hard amethyst that refuses to let anything through.  
  
His face contorts with a sort of guilty shock. He continues to look at me. Slowly, the stunned look becomes replaced by confusion. That, in turn, is sent away by panic, fear. I commit all three expressions to memory, making a mental note to study them later. They are fascinating, for I have never seen any of them on Aya's face before.  
  
Then, incredibly, his face changes back to ice, so quickly that I've barely come to terms with it before he says, "I left because I had to."  
  
He's telling me why he left? I have to know. What did I do wrong? I grip the couch tightly. "Why did you have to?"  
  
"I had to because you don't need me." or an instant, I can see something there beneath the ice - but then it's gone, and I am left to guess.  
  
I don't need him... How could he possibly be more wrong? I need him like I need air, water, food. I gave up the cigarettes, the weed, the alcohol, all of it, because I need him more. Aya is my addiction. I can't get enough of him. If they cut off my supply, I'll die.  
  
It's humorous, how wrong he is. I laugh at him, but the sound is tortured even to my own ears. "Don't I, Aya?" I ask him. "Don't I need you? That's news to me."  
  
If I can't get Aya, I need to replace him with something else. I'll go and get some weed - or maybe some ecstasy. If I can't have my Aya hit of the day, I'l just have to get a hit of something else a little more accessible. I stand up, and make to leave.  
  
"Where are you going? Paychecks come tonight." His coice is as sharp and cold as his katana.  
  
"Gonna get myself a fix," I mumble at him.  
  
"I thought you quit," he says. He sounds like Omi - Don't you know that stuff takes years off your life? You might get cancer or emphysema, you might OD - and Ken too. Bunch of mother hens, all of them.  
  
Aya isn't quite as perfect as I think if he doesn't get it. "Don't you understand anything?" I shoot at him. "I quit for you."  
  
I leave him with that to think about, looking to indulge myself in the illicit pleasures of the street world.  
  
~~~  
  
Well, that's chapter two. Sounds like Aya's got himself a Shinigami complex, sorry to have borrowed the gundam concept. However, I needed SOMETHING to work with... and I can see Aya having that problem. Also, if I spelled emphysema wrong, let me know? Not that I'm really expecting any of you people to know... I've seen some of your stuff, peoples, and it's called SPELLCHECK!!!!!!!! Use it for my sanity, would you please? 


	3. Aya Should Be Doing This

o.o 0.0 O.O *blinks nervously* Well, I seem to have made quite a few people angry at me. I apologize to anyone I offended in my last author's note - and there seems to be a lot of you. I reiterate, I am sorry. *Note to self: write author's note and then write REVISED author's note*  
  
I am-- err, glad people like my fic. I do hope Ochiba liked it, despite my "marring" it, and I shall make no more comments about spellcheck. Though this is due less to what people said than to the fact that I went and read that chapter through and caught no less than four typos. I hate being a hypocrite, and I will go to great lengths to avoid it. This does include restraining myself. I hope you all - err, continue to like my fic, and take no offense at what I have in my author's notes. You can see politeness is a strain for me. It is reserved for teachers, lawyers whose firms I may one day join, and great-grandparents, and I find it odd to use it here. You will forgive me if I sound - forced, shall we say?  
  
I don't think I shall have to revise that at all.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Moonflower. Thank you, my very dear friend, for putting up with me, for allowing me to suck you into the world of Weiss, for writing fanfics of your own that are uniquely you, and for helping me when I need it. You are always a pleasure to work with, and I hope we do it more often - though perhaps not for the school yearbook. I hope you feel the same way ^^ *This, by the way, dear readers, was not forced. This is what Moonflower means to me, and I hope you can tell the difference in tone - but I do not mean that offensively, please don't take it that way.*  
  
And a word for Moonflower... FLOOF!!!!!  
  
I hope no one takes that as rude.  
  
Warnings for this: slight Aya bashing, and perhaps a bit of implied shounen ai between Ken and Yohji, although I don't mean for there to be any.  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi  
  
Ch 3-- Aya Should Be Doing This  
  
~~~  
  
I sit on the couch, trying to watch reruns of 'The Late Show' and failing miserably.. Generally I think Johnny Carson is the funniest thing ever to happen to mankind, but I've seen this one before, and I'm worried. Yohji went out for the first time in more than half a year tonight, and I'm afraid he got shot, or beaten or mugged or something - or forced. Don't get me wrong, Yohji's a strong guy who usually knows how to take care of himself, but when he gets trashed, he does it right. He's got practically no reflexes left. It would be easy to do that if you really wanted, and he's sexy as hell - no denying it, even if I don't like him like that. It could definitely happen.  
  
Or maybe he's gotten himself into a car wreck. I can't see why he always insists on driving home when he's in no state to do it. I wish he would just call me. I would come get him in a hearbeat. I wouldn't say a word about it either. I'm a nice guy like that.  
  
Or maybe a cop picked him up and took him down to the station. Or maybe-  
  
Dammit! Why do I care so much? Yohji's capable of coming home all by himself, and in prefect health. H'e done it several times before.  
  
Damn Aya. This is his fault. I know it is.  
  
I don't lay the blame on Yohji for having his heart trampled on. He told me things. Not everything, of course, but enough for me to know he spent six and a half months getting Aya to like him - and falling in love with Aya in the process. Then Aya just up and decided he didn't like Yohji after all, for no reason that I can see. He left Yohji stunned and hurt with no one to turn to.  
  
No one except me, of course. Good old Hidaka Ken.  
  
I let Yohji come to me. I listened to Yohji. I let Yohji cry to me.  
  
I didn't let him ask me what he did wrong. I told him off when he tried. It's not his fault. At all. It's Aya's. Can't he see that? He's not the one who left Aya with a broken heart, is he? He would never even consider doing that to Aya.  
  
This whole thing is going to make work a whole lot harder. I don't know if I'll be able to watch Aya's back when I want to put my claw through him.  
  
I know that's not nice. I also know it's Aya's fault I'm sitting on the couch fidgeting, trying to watch Johnny Carson, and worring about Yohji's state of well-being. Red-headed bast-  
  
Hold that thought. I hear keys jangling outside the door. Yohji always has problems with his keys - and the keyhole - when he's trashed. I get up and open the door.  
  
Yohji falls in on me.  
  
"Easy there, buddy," I tell him, propping him against me in a more comfortable fashion. "You're heavy."  
  
"Thanks, Kenken," he mumbles to me, using me to help him stagger down the hallway. His breath reeks of sake, but I smill vodka in his hair.  
  
"No problem," I grunt as we stop outside his room. I put my hand out to open the door, and we stumble in. "You didn't go clubbing, did you?"  
  
"Nope," Yohji answers as we both land on his bed. "Bar-hop - hop -- hopping," he manages to say between a hiccup and a yawn.  
  
"That's what I thought." I smell weed on him too, now I think about it, under the alcohol. He must have got a joint before he went barhopping. "You know the drill. You wearing underwear?"  
  
"Yes," he grunts at me.  
  
"Then you don't have to wear those ungodly tight things you call pants to sleep." I pull off his shirt and his pants, since he's not capable of doing it himself. Then I get up to go throw them in his clothes hamper. Bu the time I turn around, he's already sprawled out on his bed, belly down. I take the blanket at the foot of his bed and cover him with it - I don't want him catching cold. He yawns sleepily and draws it about himself.  
  
"Hey Kenken," he slurs at me, already half asleep, "thanks for taking care of me." And he's out like a light. I pull the blanket so it's coveing he's foot he's got sticking out, and leave his room.  
  
I don't care if I'm a mother hen. I'm still glad somebody takes care of him, even if it is me. He couldn't make it on his own. But at the same time...  
  
Aya should be doing this.  
  
~~~  
  
Well, I hope you all liked it, and I hope I get nice reviews, and I hope I didn't offend anybody with my author's notes. Is that okay with everybody? I'm sorry, but I was born to be a bit brutal and terribly honest with people. My talent lies in my ability to speak and write, and even to sing and play the piano, but not in my people skills. Do we all understand this? So you try to be a bit nicer in pointing this out to me, and I'll try to be a bit nicer in my author's notes. Okay? Good. 


	4. Because I Have To

*grumbles* yeah, yeah... it'll be longer in between chapters from now on, people, school is starting back.... WE HATES IT! WE HATES IT FOREVER!!! Personally I think I would be much better off without an education....  
  
Anyway, this is the longest chapter so far. It probably says about the same though. I hope you like it. Oh, I noticed an absence of disclaimers in my third chapter, so the first one goes for all of the chapters except for two, which has its own.  
  
This chapter is dedicated to Chibi Yaoi Tenshi, my soul-sister, my missing half, and my all-around buddy. Thank you for understanding me, for putting up with me, for never hesitating to tell me what you think, and for letting me do the same for you. You depend on me without stifling me, and I hope I don't stifle you ^^ Please don't ever change any more than you have to.  
  
Okay, that's that. On to the story.  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi  
  
ch 4- Because I Have To  
  
~~~  
  
I stand under the water beating down, warm and soothing, relaxing my sore muscles. I overstrained myself last time I went to the dojo. I am an expert swordsman, but more than four hours will make even me hurt. I'm taking especially long today - maybe I can use up all the hot water before Yohji gets in. I'm annoyed with him right now; he keeps following me silently, like a shadow of things that might have been. I don't need such reminders.  
  
I still wish I could do a better job of this breakup - a way that wouldn't hurt Yohji so much. But I don't think he'd understand anything else. He wouldn't understand it was - over, unless I was abrupt about it. Just like I did it.  
  
The thing is, do I really want it to be over?  
  
But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what I feel. I have to keep Yohji safe from me. I have to make sure he can't hurt me. I have to be sure I can't be hurt ny him being hurt.  
  
I pick up the shampoo and open it. I squeeze some of the clear gel out of the bottle into my hand, and start to rub it into my scalp. I try to wash away my thoughts of Yohji along with the day's dust, but it doesn't work. My hands in my hair become his in my mind - but before I let that get too far I reach out and twist the dial to cold. That taken care of, I switch the dial back to warm, and grab the soap. Ken picked it out instead of Omi, so it's awful stuff - feels rough on the skin and dries it out too. That definitely doesn't remind me of Yohji - his touch is always smooth.  
  
Done washing, I turn the shower off and pull the curtain back - to see Yohji leaning up on the sink waiting for me. He's sitting on my towel too.  
  
I scowl at him. Here I am, dripping wet, beginning to freeze from the air, and I can't even dry off. He's not even noticing my scowl, too busy noticing the rest of me. I'm glad he thinks I look good - but he shouldn't be noticing htat. He shouldn't even be in here. I would pull the shower curtain around myself, but that would mean he would notice I don't like him looking at me. So I stand there, naked, wet, cold and frowning, while Yohji continues to - *leer* at me.  
  
"What do you want?" I ask him finally. His eyes snap up to my face, and he has the manners to look away guiltily.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you," Yohji says. He hands me my towel, which I wrap around myself without a word. "You keep avoiding me, so I figured this would be the best way to get your attention."  
  
"You have achieved your goal," I say testily.  
  
"Aya - just tell me what I did," Yohji says suddenly, and he's almost begging. "Tell me what I did that you didn't like, and tell me how I can make it better. Just - please, Aya? Give me a second chance. I don't care what I have to do, but... I - I love you, Aya! I need you. Please tell me what I can do to get you back."  
  
He looks so pleading, so pitiful. I wish I could tell him why - but I can't. I can't. I can't explain to him that I don't want him to be hurt. I don't want him to know that I am afraid. "I can't," I tell him, and I sould as hurt as he does. "I can't do that, Yohji." I harden myself to the look of pain open on his face, and step out of the shower. "Now leave me alone." I walk past him, and stalk down the hall to get dressed. I hear his voice call to me.  
  
"This is hurting you too. Why are you still doing it?"  
  
"Because I have to." I walk into my room, and close my door on him - and the life he can give me.  
  
~~~  
  
I hear the water running un the bathroom and slip in, leaning against the sink. There's only one person tall enough and lean enough to make that silhouette, and that's my Aya. No, not my Aya, not any more. But he's still absolutely gorgeous, even when I can only see the lines of his body.  
  
He reaches out for the shampoo - we keep the soap higher - and starts washing his hair, and then his silhouette changes a bit. I'd love to know what he's thinking about to cause that. But then he reaches out and twists the dial to cold, and I am denied the sight of Aya aroused and replaced instead with the vision of Aya shivering from the cold. I would like to slip in there with him and warm him up - but no. I have obviously been going without sex for way too long - or maybe just Aya. In any case, I need to do something to get that sort of thoughts out of my head.  
  
Aya's scrubbing now, hands all over his body - and gods I wish they were my hands, I wish I could touch him like he likes, I wish I could love him like he deserves. But he won't let me. Why not?  
  
That's what's in my mind when Aya pulls the shower curtain back, but not for long. He's wet and dripping and glorious, every inch of him. I've only seen him like this once, and it was dark. I can actually see him now, and he's gorgeous. He's got a bullet scar on one shoulder, but aside from that he's perfect. His skin is white - like solid moonlight. His muscles are perfectly toned, down to the last tendon - that is, everything I can see. The small patch of curls hides a few, but I'm willing to bet they are too. His cock is almost enough to put him to shame - not quite, I'm still bigger - and his legs are just as toned as the rest of him, and long enough to give my eyes room to travel. He's - perfect.  
  
"What do you want?" I hear him ask. I look up to his face, and his scowl is more than enough to cool me down. I look away from his body, ashamed of myself. I could have sworn I had a little more self-control than that.  
  
"I wanted to talk to you," I tell him. I hand him his towel, and he wraps it around himself without looking down once. "You keep avoiding me, so I figured this would be the best way to get your attention."  
  
"You have achieved your goal," he says dryly.  
  
The past week builds up on me. I snap, and suddenly I'm... begging. "Aya, just tell me what to do. Tell me what I did that you didn't like, and tell me how I can make it better. Just - please, Aya? Give me a second chance. I don't care what I have to do, but... I - I love you, Aya! I need you. Please tell me what I can do to get you back." Gods, don't I have any dignity? Apparently not. But I've been willing to do anything for Aya for a while.  
  
He looks at me, and he looks... pained. "I can't," he answers finally. "I can't do that, Yohji." Suddenly he's ice. "Now leave me alone." He walks past me and starts down the hall.  
  
This is hurting him as much as it hurts me. I can handle being in pain, but if Aya is hurting... I can't stand Aya hurting. "This is hurting you too," I call after him. "Why are you still doing it?"  
  
"Because I have to!" he yells back. He shuts his door, hiding from me, my questions, and my love.  
  
~~~  
  
TBC  
  
~~~  
  
I know it's been forever, but I'm grounded from the computer for bringing home a 3.0 (I know, crazy) so it'll be a WHILE in between chapters now. Continue to let me know what you think, and the next... let me see... 5 chapters should be up relatively soon as I already have them in hard copy. The part that takes a long time to type is the author's notes, really. I'm thinking about doing away with them altogether, as no one appreciates them. 


	5. Shadows

Ohhhhhkay, peeps, this is chapter five, and it's short, but that's just too bad for you. Besides, I'm planning on getting the next few chapters in too tonight. So PLEASE don't complain. As you can see, I'm back to my regular old rude self.  
  
Nothing too weird in this one. Completely Aya's POV. I have to type faster now because LilyAyl says she'll do something bad to me if I don't hurry and finish it, and I believe her. ^^ she has some really creative torture ideas, guys, you should take some lessons from her....  
  
This chapter goes to Din'Amarth, even though I'm pissed at him right now. He's being an ass (primarily all he's good for) and a stupid one at that, but I'm going to continue to tolerate his asinine behavior anyway. So this is for you, Din the ass!  
  
^^ That's not very nice of me, is it?  
  
Oh, and if I get any more reviews about my author's notes, I'm going to send you a virus or something. Seriously. That is, if they're bad reviews or don't have anything to do with the actual story.  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi - ch5  
  
Shadows  
  
~~~  
  
What in the hell is going on today?  
  
I know what Yohji's deal is, but Ken-kun?  
  
That's it. I give up. The world has gone crazy, and I am powerless against its madness.  
  
Today was my day to work with Ken. I was being my normal self, you know, quiet and reserved. I noticed Ken glaring daggers at me. I couldn't think of a single thing I'd said to him aside from good morning, so I asked him what was wrong. His hands clenched, and he - *snarled* at me. I had no idea what that was all about, so I asked him. He came up to me, and slammed me against the wall and called me a bastard. Then he left and came back about twenty minutes later with busted knuckles. I'm assuming he went out and punched something else instead of me.  
  
What did I do to deserve that?  
  
He ignored me in the shop; bypassed me all together, in fact, and went upstairs. About five minutes later, Yohji came down and asked me balefully what I made Ken do.  
  
Truth be told, that was a relief.  
  
I didn't see the pain in his eyes this time. He was angry at me instead. That's infinitely better than that look that makes me feel like I just kicked a puppy. Anger I know. Anger I can deal with. But the puppy bothers me.  
  
Today has made up my mind I've been thinking about this for a while, and this is what I have decided.  
  
I'm leaving Weiss.  
  
I'm going to ask Kritiker to reposition me, give me a different cover job, put me in a different team. Birman will do it for me, I'm sure. If she doesn't she'll regret it, and she knows it.  
  
I can't deal with Yohji. I can't deal with him wanting me, following me, hurting where I can see it. And I can't deal with Ken waniting to make me blind. What did I ever do to him, anyway?  
  
I slip out the door, things in a duffel in my hand, and head for Kritiker's office here. I can't stay here any more. There are too many shadows of the past here.  
  
Plus somebody wants to kill me.  
  
I'm still trying to figure that one out.  
  
~~~  
  
TBC  
  
~~~  
  
Okay, this was WAAAAAAAAAAY short, but the next chapter is headed your way shortly. Lemme know!  
  
~~~  
  
Umm....... sadly enough, ff.net tells me everytime I try and upload this that it's an empty document, so I'm trying to make it longer. I'm going to tell you guys a few things about this plotline.  
  
First off: EXPECT A SEQUEL.  
  
Second: DO NOT EXPECT A HAPPY ENDING. It will have an ending, but I refuse to guarantee a happy one. It will probably be a little nebulous. The sequel will tell whether everybody - or indeed, anybody - ends up happy or not.  
  
Third: IF YOU HAVE PROBLEMS WITH AYA TORTURE IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, DO NOT CONTINUE TO READ THIS. I... umm... do bad things to the poor kid. He can't help it, really. I set up the plot line like that. I hated every second of it, but it was crucial for this storyline to continue. (In case you can't tell, I've already written that chapter.)  
  
Fourth: IF YOU EXPECT GRAPHIC SEX *AND THIS INCLUDES NCS* DO NOT READ THIS ANY FURTHER. If you are willing to take that expectation off of your list, please go on.  
  
Fifth: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH KEN *NOT* BEING WITH OMI GET THE HECK AWAY FROM MY STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I *cannot* stand that pairing. 


	6. I Hope He's Happy

Well, I lied. It took a bit longer than I thought it would last night, and my mother got home sooner than I expected, so you only got two chapters. Well, let's see... this is chapter six... All three viewpoints here, and none of them happy. Aya's somewhere in between guilty, self-righteous and annoyed, Yotan's tortured again (why do I do this to my fave Weiss boy?), and Kenken's just pissed. I shall say no more about that.  
  
WARNING!!!!! Aya-bashing. I don't hate him, I swear; but Ken does.  
  
I'm surprised! Nobody wants to play the Kudos game! It's fun, I assure you!  
  
...Please? Humor a poor author.  
  
This chapter goes to HarlemRose2, for keeping me amused infinitely in biology and for loaning me the Rocky Horror Picture Show so I could finally see it for the first time. You are an interesting soul, God, and I hope you stay that way.  
  
Yes, God is a girl. Deal with it. Her boyfriend is Satan. Make more sense now? (That's not his real name, she's not a Satanist - although she is something very close to it.) I give up. You all think I'm heretical anyway - you have to, and you seem to like it.  
  
Anyway....  
  
On with the story!  
  
Dance to the time warp, yeah....  
  
What are you still doing here? I said, ON WITH THE STORY!!!!  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi - ch6  
  
I Hope He's Happy  
  
~~~  
  
Damn Aya. Damn him. Damn his soul. Fucking red-headed bastard doesn't have a heart. He's got a chunk of stone in there. Or maybe it's ice. Or maybe it's just a hole there where he's supposed to have one. But he definitely doesn't have one.  
  
How could he do this? How could he leave Yohji, all alone, hurting like he is when it's his fault? How could he?  
  
He left a note taped up on the fridge - addressed to all of us, of course, so as not to get Yohji's hopes up. He said he felt like he didn't meld efficiently with us, and the team was suffering because of him. He's going to have Kritiker reposition him.  
  
Weiss isn't suffering from Aya. Yohji is. I hope he's happy with what he's done.  
  
"Doesn't meld efficiently." Ha. Aya "melded" efficiently - so efficiently he's scared of it. He's running away from Yohji. Why? If Yohji loved me half as much as he loves Aya, I'd be ecstatic.  
  
Okay, I did *not* just think that.  
  
Yohji hides behind alcohol, whatever sort of drugs he does, and sex because his heart is about the size of Russia. He doesn't want to get hurt. But he figured Aya wouldn't hurt him, and he fell in love iwth Aya. And Aya hurt him.  
  
Fucking bastard. If he comes back I'll kill him myself.  
  
I'm the one who's going to take care of Yohji. I'm the one who's going to make sure he doesn't do anything too stupid. I'm the one who's going to comfort him. And I don't have a problem with it. But the fact remains that I wouldn't have to if Aya hadn't done this.  
  
Damn him...  
  
~~~  
  
Aya's gone.  
  
He left.  
  
Am I so hard to love? Am I such a horrible person that even one as bloodstained as myself can't love me? Why is this happening to me? Is it a sin for me to love, and this is some obscure god's way of punishing me?  
  
I wish I'd never fallen in love with him.  
  
It hurts. It hurts the way nothing else ever has. Nobody told me love was supposed to hurt. I wish I could die, it hurts that much. It feels like he reached straight into my chest and ripped out my heart. I want to die.  
  
Maybe I could.  
  
Hey, there's a thought.  
  
It wouldnt be that hard, really. There are a million different ways I could do it. I could do it with my own wire, and be all symbolic. I could do it with pills and just go to sleep and never wake up. I could do it iwth a gun and have it over quickly.  
  
Or I could have Aya do it for me.  
  
I think he wouldn't mind. He's just about killed me already.  
  
Aya why do you do this to me? Why do you hate me so much that you have to hurt me like this?  
  
Why do I still love you?  
  
I hope he's happy, at least. I hope he's not miserable with whatever his front job is. I hope he's founds someone who can turn him human.  
  
I hope no one ever hurt him like this. He doesn't deserve this much pain.  
  
~~~  
  
Kritiker is nothing but a bunch of sadistic bastards.  
  
Especially Persia.  
  
My new front job is to be the _sensei_ in a _dojo_. I have a gifted beginners' class and the gifted advanced class. I have never had so many bruises in my life. And it's not the older kids either - it's the younger ones. They're clumsy, and when we're "sparring" or when I'm correcting their forms, they'll fall on me or kick me much harder than they meant to. I can't believe they're the gifted ones.  
  
And I thought Crawford was torture.  
  
I have to be nice. I have to put up with being called "freak behind my back because of my eyes. I have to hear myself described as "iceman" because I try my very hardest not to snap and hurt one of them. This indignity is almost more than I can stand. It makes floristry look like a walk in the park. But I put up with the injustice because I asked for it. And truth be told, I deserve it after what I did to Yohji.  
  
I hope he's happy. I hope he gets over me.  
  
I'm not worth it.  
  
~~~  
  
TBC  
  
~~~  
  
And that's chapter six. Longer this time, which is good. Nothing happens that we weren't aware was already going to happen, nothing really unexpected, and this hasn't been for a while, so let me tell you something, the next chapter is nothing but a huge surprise. I think you guys will like it. REVIEWS, please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


	7. Barhopping

Hi! Thank you for all your KIND reviews!!! *beams* This is the surprise chapter. I promise there's nothing in it but surprise. It's FUNNY!!!! You should all love it. I felt this fic *needed* comic relief. If you don't like it, tough monkeys. Or better yet, tough pickles. XD I know, bad pun.

This chapter-and all others-go to Moonflower for being gloriously nice and friendly enough to type them all for me. Everybody say "Yay for moonflower!" in their reviews of this or ELSE! *glares* She deserves it.

Award for moonflower and all my fans out there (small group though you are)

FLOOF!!!!!!

*note from moonflower* "Aaaaaaw!" I feel so special. *sigh* Do I really deserve it? I think I'll go cry now. *teardrops* Well, all of you should like this chapter, (it's a fav. of mine). 

~*floof!*~

Chapter 7

Barhopping

~~~

I sigh. Here it comes again. THE argument "Yotan, I keep telling you, you don't need to be going out-"

"And I'm telling you, bishonen, that I can do whatever the hell I want." Yohji lights a cigarette, but I can tell he wants something stronger.

And Omi will start in on how bad the weed is for him, and how he surprised Yohji still has a liver, drinking the way he does. And Yohji will get pissed and come home before Omi's bedtime, just to piss him off.

I really am starting to hate my life.

Suddenly, I have an idea. I head it off at the pass. "Look, Omi, if it bothers you that bad, I'll go with him."

Omi looks at me suspiciously. "Why?"

"Cause Kenken's not a prude like you are," Yohji drawls. "Right, Ken?"

"No, it's because I'm sick of you guys arguing," I snap. I turn to Omi, scowling. "Lighten up, Omitchi. Yohji's a big boy, even if he can't take care of himself." I turn back to Yohji with the same scowl. "And you could watch out for yourself a little more."

And they both look at me, and pout. "Ahh, Kenken…" can be heard heard from both blondes.

No doubts about it, I really hate my life.

How am I supposed to resist them both?

But Yohji's green eyes are nowhere near as compelling as Omi's big blue bishonen eyes. Honestly, there's something about this kid you just can't turn down. "I'll go, if you want," I tell Omi. Yohji groans as Omi nods.

"Thank you, Ken," he says happily. "Keep an eye on Yotan for me, will you?"

"Yeah, yeah," I grumble. It's not like Omi ever takes care of the man anyway. I turn to Yohji. "Clubbing or barhopping?"

"Barhopping," he answers after a moment's hesitation.

I nod. I had been expecting that. "All right then. Let me change my shirt, and I'll go."

~~~ etc.

I can tell immediately it's a straight bar. Old men in open flannel shirts with sweatstains all look at us as we come in, trying to stare us down, as if trying to say, "You're not one of our kind. Get out." Well, sorry, boys, but I'm afraid not. I don't like them either, but that shouldn't interfere with my drinking, should it?

A girl-probably a prostitute-sidles up to me and rubs against me the way a cat would. "I could cheer you up," she purrs.

Sorry, I don't dig sex I'll end up paying for. "Thanks, but I'd rather I didn't have whatever disease you've got," I tell her coldly. It's not that I don't like women, just not her kind. She gets all offended and goes away in a huff.

"Smart man," Yohji mutters to me. We sit down at the bar, and order a shot apiece. The bartender looks surprised, like he doesn't think we can handle it. Or at least me. What is up with that? Everybody thinks I'm a good little boy who's never done anything wrong. I'm not. I think my job attests to that.

Yohji swallows his without blinking. I down mine with relative ease, surprising both of them. I order another one just for the fun of it.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around. I see a guy standing behind me that can only be described as "Bubba." He's tall and has got a huge beerbelly, and he has to be at least forty-five.

"Want something?" I ask calmly.

"Me and the boys-" he jerks his head toward the other Bubbas- "we had a little vote about you two, and we all came to a mutual decision."

"Which is what?" Yohji asks snidely. "That we're both younger, smarter, and better-looking than you are? It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out."

"Real funny," he snaps. "We don't take kindly to queers. We're willing to be kind and say that you just walked into the wrong bar. Now walk out."

This is too much for me. This is Japan, dammit! We're supposed to be past this. I stand up. "I AM NOT GAY!" I bellow. Bubba backs up a few steps. I follow him. "Even if I was, I wouldn't leave just because some old man who clearly hates anyone different like you told me to."

"That's going a little far," Yohji warns. "Even though I agree with your basic principles, be polite. He's not old." Yohji smirks.

Bubba, in the meantime, is swelling with anger. He takes a low, lumbering swing at me. I duck easily, and punch him in his massive gut. It has the desired affect- Bubba goes down. It also has the expected affect- the rest of the Bubbas rush to attack me.

Yohji and I slip out quietly, neither of us suffering a scratch. We're to quick for that.

He laughs. "I tell you what, Kenken, I have to take you with me more often. That was fun." He looks at me assessively. "So you're not gay?"

I shrug. "Not exactly."

"But you do like guys."

"D'you think I could stand living with you guys if I didn't?"

"Touché. C'mon, let's go to another bar. A better bar."

~~~ etc.

~~~ etc.

Okay, last night was supremely weird.

Here I was, trying to drown my sorrows, and watching Kenken get plastered was so funny I forgot to. I had to take him home and put him to bed. It was really backwards. At least it felt that way to me.

I'd never been inside Ken's room before. It's exactly what you'd expect to find. There's a soccer shrine in the corner, his assassin gear in another, his bed in the third. His clothes are strewn about everywhere. And in the fourth corner…well, maybe his room isn't quite what you'd expect. In the fourth corner, there's a bookshelf full of shonen ai manga. Romance manga. It's funny, really, I'd never thought Ken would read that. Then again, I could never really see Ken reading.

I think I'll have to hang around Kenken a little more. He cheers me up. He takes my mind off things.

~~~~~ etc.


	8. It's Not Him

All right, first thing on my to-do list right now... oh yes. The "W" word.  
  
WARNINGS: n/c s lime, blood, pain!!!!! If you have a problem with any of this TO AYA, DON'T read this!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Now that we have that out of the way...  
  
I didn't want to do it, I really didn't. Aya is my baby, my child, my CHARACTER, and I hate hurting him.  
  
Aya: I'm not yours... Heck, I'm not even Yohji's anymore... I'm mine, I'm free, FREE! Do you hear me? FREE!!!  
  
Pickles: ;_; much to my sadness, the beautiful redhead is right, and I do not own him. But I still hate hurting him. I like Aya-kun to be a happy little boy....  
  
Aya: so why do you torture me so much again?  
  
Pickles: it's for the storyline.  
  
Aya: YOU'RE GOING TO LET ---- this has been censored for further story integrity ---- FOR THE FUCKING STORYLINE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! SHI-NE, WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Pickles: *sweatdrops* *starts running* huff, huff, a few more things to get out of the way... huff, huff... this chapter goes to moonflower.. huff... even though she isn't typing it anymore... puff, puff... but she shares it with god... puff, puff... and mattie, who is my real-life version of Yohji... pant, pant... with a dress sense of a goth... puff... and he's even better looking, if that's possible...  
  
Aya: THERE IS NO ONE BETTER LOOKING THAN YOHJI EXCEPT ME!!!!!! SHI- NE!!!!!!!!!!! *takes out katana and positions himself to run Pickles cleanly through for the sins she has gathered while being a fanfiction writer*  
  
Pickles: you don't want to kill me, honest!!!  
  
Aya: don't I?  
  
Pickles: I'd better start rolling the story to the folks so I can handle you...  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi - ch9  
  
It's Not Him  
  
~~~  
  
:: :: denotes thoughts of Schuldich  
  
~~~  
  
I lost my orange sweater.  
  
I can't believe it. That was my favorite shirt ever. I must have left it back at the Koneko - and I can't go get it. Yohji would definitely have a reaction of some sort, and I'm pretty sure Ken would kill me. I think I understand it now. Yohji is like a brother to Ken or something, and he's not happy with me for hurting him. Which is still no reason to hurt me. It happpens every day. Break-ups, I mean.  
  
I lost my orange sweater.  
  
I want my orange sweater. It's like a tangible reminder of everything in that life. It represents everything I could have had.  
  
Well, I do have a few other vestiges of that life. Such as a suede vest and leather pants.  
  
I think I'll go out tonight. I need something new.  
  
~~~  
  
I sit at the bar, scowling into my mixed drink. In the past hour, I've been approached/hit on by five women and nine men, none of which have been ugly, three of which have been amazingly attractive *and* not smashed, a real bonus, and none of which have struck my fancy. I think I'm picky. Then again, I might just have a thing for blonde hair and green eyes.  
  
::Hello, Abyssinian.::  
  
The voice whispers seductively into my head. A feeling rockets through me, unbearable pain followed by delicate touches to my mind which not only ease the pain but are also somewhat pleasurable in a warm, familiar sort of way. How often has Schuldich slipped into my mind without my knowing it, that he can do this to me?  
  
::Often enough to make you purr in your sleep, kitten.::  
  
I look up, still scowling, trying to spot the German. It doesn't take long - his orange hair is easy enough to see. He's leaning against the wall, smirking at me in the way I've seen Yohji do often enough to know that he's on the prowl. He'd better not even be thinking about it. Not me. I'm not some plaything for him to break.  
  
::Of course not, kitten. Why break you when it's much more fun if you like it, too?::  
  
I start. For all intents and purposes, he's sincere. Hmm... sex with Schuldich... I've never considered it before. Why would I? He *is* an enemy, and a prick besides.  
  
::I'm not, I promise. You just have to get to know me.::  
  
He fills my mind with images of us, and what we could be doing now. I shudder. Is he crazy?  
  
::What, have you got something better?::  
  
No, but I did. I feel him riffling through my mind like a book, looking for something specific. He finds what he's looking for, because the feeling stops.  
  
::You mean this?::  
  
He shoves my own memories into my mind, and for a moment I see and feel phantom things. I feel Yohji in me, touching me, kissing me; I see his emerald eyes staring into mine as he gives me ecstasy. Yes, I mean this. There is nothing he could do to me that would be better than this.  
  
::Want to bet? I think I could.::  
  
I don't love Schuldich. Shuldich doesn't love me. There is absolutely no way I will let Schuldich do that to me.  
  
::Kitten, there's nothing better than uncomplicated sex. That's all I want from you. Sex, no strings attached. Tomorrow, we can go back to killing each other, but you've gotten entirely to pretty to ignore.::  
  
I am not pretty. I am a male. Males do not have beauty.  
  
::Oh? You think Balinese isn't beautiful?::  
  
Yohji is liquid sex. He's perfect. He's beyond beautiful.  
  
::Funny, that's what he thinks about you.::  
  
I didn't know that.  
  
::But back to the subject. Will you sleep with me?::  
  
Do I have a choice?  
  
::Not really.::  
  
Then no.  
  
:I'll take that as a yes.::  
  
Suddenly he's at my side, and he grabs a hold of my bare arm. I grab my jacket - I have a knife in it - before he jerks me to the door. I try to get at it, but Schuldich grabs the knife before I can.  
  
::You may as well agree, kitten. I will have you tonight, but I'd prefer you live through it.::  
  
I don't want Schuldich. I'd kill him if I could.  
  
::If you think it hard enough, you might.::  
  
He shoves me into a car, presumably his, and I am trapped with him.  
  
~~~  
  
Pickles: *looks triumphantly at Aya as she finishes duct taping him to his chair* That's why you don't try and hurt the fanfic author.  
  
Aya: What are you going to do with me now?  
  
Pickles: Oh, I don't know. I could put you in Farfie's room to play... but I like you without too many scars. I think I'll give you to Omi.  
  
Aya: *gasps* No, not Omi! He looks like he's twelve! I'd feel like I was committing statutory rape!  
  
Pickles: That's the idea.  
  
Aya: Hey, your readers are listening.  
  
Pickles: Huh? Oh, it must be SECOND warning time, so nobody can tell me they didn't read the first one.  
  
WARNINGS:: Schu does BAD THINGS to Aya in this scene. Painful things. Things I felt damned dear suicidal about writing.  
  
Aya: Then why'd you do it?  
  
Pickles: It's for the story line. See, you're not the only one that suffers over it...  
  
Aya: Just don't make me watch, okay?  
  
Schuldich: I can't believe you have me doing this. I'm sick, and I'm a bastard, but I'm NOT sadistic, I like being uke-  
  
Aya: O.O  
  
Pickles: Shut up. That's a different story line altogether, and I haven't written it yet. As one of my NOT main characters, I'm sending you away. *points magic non-gel pen at Schuldich* Begone, supporting character!  
  
Schuldich: I'm melting... melting... *disappears*  
  
Pickles: *picks through Schu's clothes* hey, there's no underwear here!  
  
Aya: You call what he does to me a supporting charachter?  
  
Pickles: Shut up. I'm going back to the story now. And if you don't keep your comments down I have a piece of duct tape that would fit perfectly over your mouth.  
  
Aya: o.O  
  
Pickles: That's what I thought.  
  
~~~  
  
"I'll give you one more chance, kitten," he whispers into my ear. "Don't make me kill you."  
  
I turn my head aside from his. No matter how much I don't want this, how much of a disgrace it will be, Aya-chan needs me. I have to live for Aya- chan. I fought this, and all I have to show for it is a dislocated shoulder, a black eye, and various bruises. "All right," I assent reluctantly.  
  
He's immediately on me. He rips my vest off, one of the buttons flying. I can't track where it goes. My pants are given the same treatment, thrown aside like so much trash. His own clothing, already loosened, comes off much easier. I don't want this. I don't.  
  
"I hate you," I whisper to him.  
  
"I know," he says roughly. "That's half the fun."  
  
He shoves against me. He is hard, but I'm not even close. He kisses me, bruisingly hard, and I submit - even though he tastes of bad beer, even though I hate him. He moves down to my neck, and bites. Hard. I can feel my blood begin to trickle off my throat and onto the dirty sheets - Schuldich has taken me to some cheap motel - but I say nothing as he laps at my blood. This isn't fair, this isn't right, this isn't the way it's supposed to be - and there's nothing I can do about it. I feel so powerless.  
  
At that, Schuldich looks up at me, bloodstained lips grinning crazily. "You are, kitten." He licks at my neck one last time, and then plunders my mouth again, tasting of my own coppery blood. I gag at the taste. "That's what makes you so sexy."  
  
Gods, I wish Yohji were here. He wouldn't let Schuldich do this to me. Yohji told me once that rape was the worst crime ever committed, and he'd killed several bastards who'd done it.  
  
Schuldich grunts as he busies himself with finding sensitive places on my body to hurt. "Balinese is a silly kitten. He should try it sometime. It's fun."  
  
"Yohji would never even think about it," I tell him. I wish I had a blade so I could make him take it back. "He's not like you. You're a sick person."  
  
His hands grip my shoulders tightly. He slams me down against the mattress. "Don't you even fucking say that. You have no idea what I go through every day."  
  
"I know you don't go through this."  
  
Schuldich ignores my voice. He punches me in the gut, and I decide it is wise to be silent. He shoves my legs apart and thrusts two dry fingers into me.  
  
...this is agony it burns I feel like I'm on fire things are being rearranged his fingers burn this is torture it hurts oh stop it stop it stop I don't want this Yohji wouldn't do this to me I need him to stop it burn leave me alone he's hurting me don't let him do this stop...  
  
And he does.  
  
I open pain-hazy, tear-filled eyes to look at Schuldich. Schuldich is looking down at me, an interested expression on his face. "Your thoughts are sweet," he says to me. He brings his hand up - his three middle fingers are covered in blood - and licks at it absently. "Like sugar."  
  
I say nothing. I know better.  
  
He looks down at me. "Well?"  
  
My voice cracks as I answer him. "Well what?"  
  
"Well, what do you think?"  
  
"You already know." I turn to look at the wall. "I don't want this. I don't want you. You're not him."  
  
I feel his open palm slap against my face. "Shut up."  
  
I'm right, though. It's not him. Yohji would never have hurt me like this. I never realized how good he was to me. Even if he didn't love me, he would never hurt me.  
  
Schuldich wrenches my legs apart again, and shoves into me, dry.  
  
...and I'm screaming this is so much worse than last time I've never felt pain like this before it hurts so much stop it leave me alone kill me I can't stand this there's no way I'll live through this I want to die please leave me alone it hurts it hurts I can feel it tearing I'm screaming it burns don't do this stop you're hurting me stop stop stop I think I'm going to die it burns oh gods it hurts I'm screaming go away let me die stop hurting me I don't want this it burns I feel like I'm tearing apart stop I can't scream anymore it hurts that bad leave alone don't do this...  
  
...what's happening something hot in me and it already burns can't I just die...  
  
~~~  
  
Pickles: O.O  
  
Aya: O.O  
  
Reappeared Schuldich: O.O  
  
Yohji: O.O  
  
Ken: O.O  
  
Aya: I can't believe you had him do that to me.  
  
Schuldich: I can't believe you had me do that.  
  
Yohji: Why did you do that to my Aya?  
  
Ken: Why did you do that to MY Aya?  
  
Pickles: SHUT UP!!!! *glares at cartoon characters* As to Aya, I can't believe it either. I'm sorry, hon, I really am. I love you like a son--  
  
Aya: Somehow I don't think you do.  
  
Pickles: Schu... what are you doing back here? *gets out magic non-gel pen*  
  
Schuldich: I get the idea. I'll go without the help. Or the meling, for that matter. *walks out the door*  
  
Yohji: *stares after Schuldich* why did you let him go? We had plans to -  
  
Pickles: That's the other storyline I haven't written yet. I told you guys about talking about that. And as to you and Ken's question...  
  
Aya: Let me guess. It's for the storyline.  
  
Pickles: How'd you know?  
  
Aya: *rolls eyes*  
  
Pickles: And Ken... did you mention Aya being yours?  
  
Ken: Umm...  
  
Pickles: THAT'S THE OTHER STORYLINE DAMNIT!!!!!!!!!! Quit making allusions to it. If you keep it up, it might NEVER get written.  
  
Ken: Okay, okay! So long as I get some SOMETIME.... *grumbles*  
  
Pickles: What was that?  
  
Ken: I SAID YOU NEVER LET ME GET SOME!!!!!  
  
Pickles: O.O  
  
Aya: Come let me out of my duct tape, and I'll help you out there.  
  
Pickles: *faints*  
  
~~~  
  
I come to my senses reluctantly some time later. The room smells of blood and sex. Schuldich, still in me, is asleep. I endured this for Aya-chan? I'm sorry, but even she's not worth this. If it happens again, I'll fight it until I die. Death is preferable to this. I know my insides have been torn apart.  
  
I shove Schuldich off and out of me, whimpering as he pulls out of my abused body. I look down at myself. The bed is soaked in my blood, as are my legs. A sickly mixture of blood and Schuldich's seed trickles out of me.  
  
I can't stand this. I heave as I become violently ill, my vomit mixing with everything else on the sheets. Purging isn't helping me any, though, and so I stop. I sit up...  
  
... and the pain is unbearable. I bit my lip to keep from screaming out. My throat is raw already from screaming, though if it was words or just screaming I have no idea.  
  
Still biting my lip, I stand up. The blood trickles down my legs as I limp about, collecting my clothes. I ease the pants on, though tears fall involuntarily from my eyes as I snap them shut. They still mold to my body, and it hurts excruciatingly. I shrug on the jacket gingerly, trying my best not to move too much. I leave the vest on the floor and head out into the hall. I hope Schuldich drowns in my blood.  
  
I've lost enough of it.  
  
~~~TBC  
  
Aya: Can I really get sick? I can't believe you did this to me.  
  
Pickles: No. Not unless it will get me more reviews.  
  
Speaking of which... I've noticed you aren't giving me so many reviews lately. Am I no longer worthy of reviews? Is my story getting worse? I NEED REVIEWS, PEOPLE!!!!!!! I LIVE OFF OF REVIEWS!!!!!! THEY MAKE MY DAY FOR WEEKS!!!!!!!!!  
  
I think you get the idea. Just three sentences. Please? Is that so much to ask? If you use the hunt and peck method I'll only make you write one. Please?  
  
~~~ 


	9. It's Not Him- Part 2

Okay.... hi!!!! Again!!!!!!!! This is Pickles, broadcasting to you live, from dot in field in middle of nowhere, on small blue planet, in ordinary solar system, in the nonremarkable milky way galaxy....  
  
Not too much to say for this part. Yohji brings home his first girl in a while, and Kenken overhears what goes on between them. There's a lot of thoughts going on that seem to be of a reapeating theme - I wish I knew what it was! Then I could name this damned story and move on to my next project (the sequel... which already has two and a quarter chapters done on it). But I have writers' block on it, because I haven't named this one yet.... so I am now holding a NAME CONTEST!!!!!!! Thaaaaaaaat's right, a name contest. I will hear all your names for this story, and I'll let the best one - with the best reasons behind it - become the name for it. The next one, fortunately, is already titled.  
  
Aya: Yohji brings home a girl? But-  
  
Pickles: No buts. You left him. As he likes to make himself miserable over it, none of us can forget it. You left him, you have no say over what goes on in his bed. Got it?  
  
Aya: But-  
  
Pickles: Aya-kun....  
  
Aya: But-  
  
Pickles: Aya, if you say one more word, I'll set Omittchi on you.  
  
Aya: *whimpers* Not that.....  
  
Pickles: Good Aya. Given time, I do believe you could make a good literary pet. Of course, once that happens, I'll let you run loose in the story line again, and I'll pick another one of your lovely companions.  
  
*to the audience* Envious? Ah, the power of the pen....  
  
Credits for this chapter go to God the girl, LilyAyl (love her Harry Potter stuff-- That's right! I said Harry Potter!!!! Don't knock it 'til you try it!!), and.... LiNa. For her weird weird weird moral support. Chibiflies to you! And of course to Moonflower. You are a very unique person; I believe that time will only better you. FLOOF!!!!!!!!  
  
Kudos go to Dragon-chan for reoccuring reviews, and DragonSoul, and... I think... cwchan too... I'll have to go look at the reviews in a second. But for now....  
  
Story time!!!! (Gee, won't you have a demented picture in your head when you're reading bedtime stories to your children?)  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi- ch9  
  
It's Not Him - Part 2  
  
~~~  
  
It's been two months since Aya left. I feel like it was yesterday. It still hurts like hell. But Kenken is starting to be genuinely concerned about me, so I'm doing something I know I'll regret.  
  
I'm going clubbing tonight.  
  
It's not like I really want to go clubbing; it's just that I haven't had a decent joint in a week, and I'm getting snippy. Plus the fact that the last lay I had was Aya, and that was two and a half months ago, makes me a real bitch. I'm sure Ken and Omi are ready to kill me by now. If I were in their shoes, I would be.  
  
Watch out, world. Kudo Yohji is making a reappearance.  
  
~~~  
  
Here I am, back in the apartment. I've get a gorgeous brunette with me - tall, blue eyes, leggy, and a hundred million other things that make her physically perfect for a female. She practically skips along behind me, bouncing with every pronounced step. Once we get to my room, she divests herself of her clothing, then lays on my bed, pose inviting me to jump her. I take my time about removing my own things, though, ignoring her.  
  
She asks bluntly if I want foreplay. I shake my head. I want a lay, nothing else. It's what she wants too, and that from me will more than satisfy her. I've had enough men and women both to know that I am exceptional.  
  
I slide into her- and all I can think about is how different she is from Aya. She's soft where Aya's hard. There's no reassuring warm length against my belly, only the space between a woman and a man. Her hands do not grab my arms bruisingly, or rake down my back scoring lines, but only skim over my skin, barely drawing a reaction from me at all. Her black hair and blue eyes are so different from Aya's crimson and violet that I feel myself starting to flag at wishing she *was* Aya. So I close my eyes and picture Aya...  
  
But I already know the truth.  
  
It's not him.  
  
~~~  
  
I can hear Yohji come it - my door is open. I can hear a giggling female voice too, the sort of voice that only comes from one sort of woman. Well, I've seen it coming. I'll have to deal with this. After all, I don't care about Yohji like that. It shouldn't be difficult.  
  
Should it?  
  
I hear his bedsprings as they climb on, and give it thrity seconds and she's crying out breathlessly, voice so sugary sweet it sickens me. The voice from the one underneath him should be rough, gravelly, deep. At the very least, it should be Aya's voice. But I can't picture Aya crying out like that. I've always thought of him as a gasping-type person.  
  
I cry out like that, though. I would under Yohji, anyway, his hands moving over my body, mouth on mine, moving in and out of me-  
  
Stop this. Stop it! I don't like Yohji that way.  
  
So why am I wondering what it would feel like for him to be with me?  
  
I am startled out of my thoughts by the noises from his room. It's not the girl, although she's positively yowling by now. It's Yohji beginning to vocalize that's caught me off guard and got my attention. A low moan from his rough voice tells me he's getting somewhere. The sound of him is starting to get a rise out of me. Never one for self-control, I jerk down my boxers and start to jack myself.  
  
There's no point in denying it now; he can do this to me with just his voice. I *do* want him.  
  
He shouts out wordlessly, but I can hear the strangled call of 'Aya' in the cry. I close my mind to the thought- I don't want him to be in love with Aya. I do the best thing I can under the circumstances: start a fantasy in which Yohji doesn't have a part. I try to delude myself into thinking it's not him. It's not him I want. It's not him I'm aching for. It's not him I want to see coming into my room and touching me.  
  
I try to make myself buy this delusion. It's not him.  
  
But I know the truth. It is.  
  
His name will fall from my lips in self-given pleasure tonight. And I know it.  
  
But nobody can blame me for trying not to.  
  
~~~TBC  
  
Well, folks? How do you like it?.... Let me know! Its called a review!  
  
And more importantly....  
  
How do *you* like it, Aya-kun?  
  
Aya: *mumbles*  
  
Pickles: Excuse me?  
  
Aya: I can't believe how much you twist our lives. I mean, we're men, dammit. We kill for a living. Do you think we're all touchy-feely like that? How do you even know we're gay?  
  
Pickles: Okay. True or false. The four of you are florists.  
  
Aya: *glares*  
  
Pickles: True or false. The four of you also happen to be the four most beautiful males that have ever walked the cartoon planet.  
  
Aya: *glares*  
  
Pickles: True or false. None of you owns a pair of pants that lets your legs breathe properly except Omi and his shorts.  
  
Aya: *glares*  
  
Pickles: I rest my case. Besides, if you weren't gay, I'd do the unforgivable and drag the Sailormoon girls into it.  
  
Aya: Anything but that!  
  
Pickles: Even Omi?  
  
Aya: You call that a choice?  
  
Pickles: Not really. Even YOU should pick Omi over that.  
  
Aya: *glares* So maybe you're right.  
  
Pickles: There you have it, folks. Aya- AYA!- admits the Weiss boys are gay.  
  
No offense meant to Sailormoon fans. I happen to be one myself. I just also happen to think that these two shows wouldn't mesh well. Too much blood and not enough magical powers on the part of the Weiss boys. Also, not enough of the color pink.  
  
But seriously. Reviews? Please? PLEASE?  
  
~~~ 


	10. Starting Down the Road

Aya: I can't believe I'm doing this.... all hail the wonderful pickles.  
  
Pickles: You're supposed to be excited about it, now....  
  
Aya: *glares*  
  
Pickles: Just for that.... LiNa, would you do the honors?  
  
*LiNa holds up Aya's orange sweater and lights a match on it, then drops it into a trash can* Burn, baby, burn!!!!  
  
Aya: *sobs* Noooooooo...... not my orange sweater......  
  
Pickles: And your pyjamas will go next (that is, if you wear any).  
  
Credits go to LiNa for burning that horrendous thing!!!!!!!!! CHIBIFLIES!!!!!!! And to the co-creator of the best word in the world, Moonflower. FLOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Umm.... More Aya pain? I know, I'm mean, but hey.... it's for the story line....  
  
Aya: Please, please, I'll do whatever you say.... just give me my orange sweater back....  
  
Pickles: Oooh, I like that.... Beg some more....  
  
Aya: What? That's it. I am no longer making appearances in your authors' notes. *stalks out, leaving a mystified pickles and a fire-happy LiNa behind*  
  
Pickles: Wonder what that was all about... oh well... there are still seven of them left.... hmm... let's see... Yotan!  
  
*Yohji appears*  
  
Yohji: Where am I? Aya was just about to make it up to me for being gone for so long.....  
  
Pickles: Apparently, you were dreaming. You, Kudo Yohji, are now my pet, for good or ill.  
  
Yohji: Wait a sec- I know you! You write all those stories about me! Who do I get to sleep with this time?  
  
Pickles: You aren't in this part.  
  
Yohji: Is it a smut?  
  
Pickles: I don't think you were such a good idea....  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi-- Ch10  
  
Starting Down the Road  
  
~~~  
  
...Schuldich looms above me as he thrusts into me dry, and oh gods it hurts, I don't want it, make him stop... stop... stop...  
  
"Stop... stop... stop..." I awake to the sound of my own voice. There are hands on me, hands I don't know. I scream. "Get off me! Get away from me!"  
  
"Come on, dear, we don't want to have to sedate you again," a woman's voice says to me. A woman's voice. A woman can't hurt me. I still. "That's better, dear. You've been under sedation since you came in."  
  
I open my eyes as best I can and look at the woman. She's in a nurse's uniform, crisp and white, and seems the kind, motherly type. At least to me. Mama looked like that.  
  
"Where am I?" I say. My voice is hoarse.  
  
"The hospital, dear. Now, I'm sorry, but no one has any idea what happened to you. Well, we've a guess, but at some point you'll have to tell someone, all right?"  
  
I nod at the inevitable. "Could I have a phone, please?" I need to call Kritiker. They have to know where I am.  
  
"To call who?" she asks. She looks as though she's amazed I can talk, and it would be a miracle if I could dial.  
  
"My boss." I shrug, figuring the twisted truth is much stronger than a lie.  
  
"Oh, that." She pats my hand reassuringly. "Don't worry about it, dear. This is a Kritiker-based facility."  
  
I wasn't aware we had one. "Really?"  
  
"Of course. Since our agents have a habit of getting near-fatal injuries, they had to set one up. Don't you agree?"  
  
I say nothing about it. "Does Birman know I'm here?"  
  
"She does. She's been here several times. Keeps bringing you flowers." She points, and I see four bouquets. I read the cards. One is from Birman, and says very little. The next is from Omi.  
  
  
  
Aya-  
  
I miss you! Yohji does too, and I'm sure Ken does as well. It's been hell since you left. Come back! Tell Yohji it's not his fault, at least. He's constantly blaming himself.  
  
Birman told us what happened.  
  
She said you were injured pretty badly, and it wasn't on a mission. I badgered the rest of it out of her.  
  
Why would you let someone hurt you like that, Aya? You're more than capable of defending yourself.  
  
Yeah, that's what I thought too, Omittchi.  
  
--Omi  
  
P.S. I hope you get better. I'd tell you in person, but I couldn't get it out of Birman where you were. I'm glad I at least got her to bring you flowers.  
  
I'll have to tell Birman off for this one later.  
  
I pick up the next card. It's from Ken.  
  
Hi. I don't really have that much to say to you. Asshole though you are, you really don't deserve this. But you're still an asshole.  
  
Why do you keep running? Yohji still loves you. You owe him an explanation at least, and you owe me a fucking gold medal for taking care of him like I do. There are better things I could be doing with my time. Like sleeping, insead of waiting for him to come home wasted every night.  
  
Oh, and I'm sure Omi says I miss you. I don't. I stil think you're a bastard for doing this to Yohji.  
  
But you didn't deserve that. I'm sure you didn't want it. I could never think of you as actually liking that.  
  
H.K.  
  
P.S. If you hurt Yohji again I swear on everything we both hold dear I will kill you.  
  
Well, he seems to have got the true measure of me. So he's mad at me for what I did to Yohji? Store that thought in my mind for future reference.  
  
And now the last one. I pick up Yohji's card.  
  
Aya-kun--  
  
Gods, that's sad. I'm still thinking of you as Aya-kun, still calling you that after all this.  
  
I don't know who did it, Aya. But you have my word that if I find out the bastard is going to die.  
  
I would never do that to you. I'd sooner die. You have to know that. Right?  
  
--Kudo Yohji  
  
P.S. I know you're sick of hearing this. But I *do* love you. All you have to do is let me.  
  
Oh gods, I know you love me, Yohji, but I... I can't. I can't let you. For your own sake as well as mine. But I know- I *know* you'd never hurt me.  
  
The nurse is still watching me, I notice. I look up at her. She smiles down at me. "Going to write them back, dear?"  
  
"No." I set the cards gently on the table. "No, I'm not a part of that life anymore."  
  
She looks confused. "But dear, that Yohji man sounded so sincere."  
  
"He is," I tell her.  
  
"Then- why..."  
  
I stare at her. Motherly though she is, she doesn't know when to quit. "I want to know how bad it is."  
  
"Oh- well, I think it would be best if you discussed that with your doctor. In fact, he's scheduled to check on you about now."  
  
As if on cue, a doctor walks into my blindingly white hospital room with an equally write coat. He is small and dark, not exceedingly attractive. But that doesn't matter to me. What does matter is the fact that he's a man. It's a man that did this to me, it's a man's fault I'm here, it's a man that derived his pleasure from my pain. I stiffen before he even looks up from his patient chart. Even that small movement sends sparks of agony up my spine.  
  
"Nurse, if Fujimiya-san doing any - ah, Fujimiya-san, you're awake."  
  
He bows to me politely. I am frozen in place. He's going to hurt me. I know it. He ignores my lack of response, and sits down in the chair next to my bed. I turn my head to face him, refusing to let my eyes stray from him for so much as a second. I don't trust him that much. "I trust you want to know how bad that damages are. Well, Fujimiya-san, I won't mince words with you. It's bad." His voice is thin, high, and reedy. He speaks Japanese perfectly, a far cry from Schuldich's nasal, German-tinged voice. "Most of your bruises are gone, and we prevented the bite on your neck from scarring. However, you have a cracked rib and your cheek has a hairline fracture. Your bleeding was bad, but we managed to get you a blood transfusion before you were out of our hands. Anal tearing was extensive, and you needed stitches - Fujimiya-san, is something wrong?"  
  
He says it like a question. Of course not. I'm fine. I'm absolutely thrilled to find out that I have stitches in my ass. Plus I absolutely love the fact that I'm terrified of a tiny male doctor I could kill from here in this state.  
  
"What do you think?" the nurse snaps for me. She lays a comforting hand on my shoulder. The woman's touch calms me somewhat. "Is there anything you need, dear?"  
  
Her voice gives me some tiny measure of courage. "I would like a different doctor, please." My voice sounds tiny, scared, not like me at all.  
  
The woman - her name reads Aiko - looks shocked, while the doctor - nametag reading something Indian I think is pronounced Win - just looks angry. "Why, dear? Doctor Nguyen, here, is the only one who had the ability to fix you up vefore you died on us." So I was right. It is Win. Her question is put to me tentatively.  
  
I look at her, and mutter quietly, "He's a man."  
  
Her face floods with sudden understanding. "It's because he's a man, is that it? It's because you're scared," she says gently. I nod. She sighs. "It would be best if he continued to be your doctor, dear. You will need to get reacclimated to men at some point. You are, after all, one of them.  
  
"Doctor, could you please scoot your chair back from Fujimiya-san, dear? It's a psychological thing." Aiko has made me feel like an idiot.  
  
Doctor Nguyen goes back to his self-confidence. "Oh, is that all? I though we would need to get a psychological assessment." He moves back from me a good three feet or so, making me feel somewhat safer. He begins to explain to me my physical condition again, slower this time.  
  
This is my road to recovery.  
  
It is not a pretty sight.  
  
~~~TBC  
  
Yohji: Aya's not pretty like that.  
  
Pickles: You would think that. Look, I thought you would make a good pet, but you're so damned lecherous-  
  
Yohji: What's that?  
  
Pickles: Nevermind.  
  
*turns to audience* I'll give him to the first one of you who says you want him in your review. 


	11. Decisions

Okay, people. Here it is. The next chapter. ^^ Don't you all just love me. You do know, of course, I have the entire rest of the story on hard copy? I have to type it and post it. I'm doing it slowly, though, because the sequel is giving me problems.  
  
I need you people's help with the title!!!!!! START SUGGESTING SOME TITLES FOR ME!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
As promised.... *drags Yohji out into the open* Dragonflyred7? You around?  
  
Dragonflyred7: Right here!!!!! Oooh! Oooh! Do I really get to keep him?  
  
Pickles: He's all yours. *shoves a stoned Yohji at Dragonflyred7* See if YOU can keep his mind off of what he's got between his legs.  
  
Yohji: C'mon, baby, let's go someplace private...... *falls asleep*  
  
Pickles: See what I mean?  
  
Okay, so the literary pet thing isn't working out so well.... I do still have six options though.... Let's see.... Aya was too uppity, so Crawfie definitely won't work..... and I definitely don't want Farf (last resort)..... Schu is bound to be as bad as Yohji was..... Umm...... I think it's between Nagi and Ken. Nagi or Ken, Nagi or Ken......  
  
Moonflower: NAGI!!!!!!  
  
Pickles: Thank you, Moonflower. You made your point. All right..... *waves magic non-gel pen*  
  
*Nagi appears, almost lands flat on his ass, catches himself with his powers, and stands up* You. I know you. You refuse to pair me with anyone but Omi.  
  
Pickles: Shush! That's the other story line. You know better.  
  
Nagi: So I do. *shrugs*  
  
Pickles: Besides, at least I don't make you be his uke.  
  
Nagi: I LIKE being uke. But there's absolutely no way Omi would do a good job of being seme, can't you hook me up with Schu, or better yet, Crawford.....  
  
Pickles: EWW!!!! NO!!!!! PEDOPHILIA!!!!!!!!  
  
Nagi: So? You think they'd mind?  
  
Pickles: Actually, in my book, Bradley probably would mind. I think he's most likely to win the "Straight Guy" award. Out of the eight of you, that is....  
  
*Crawford appears*  
  
Crawford: You think I'm straight? *pulls Schuldich out of nowhere and kisses him dizzyingly* You called me Bradley? Either offense by itself is minor enough, but together..... you must die!!!! *loads his gun*  
  
Pickles: Eep!  
  
Schuldich: Wow... what did I do to deserve that.... I'll keep it up if you tell me....  
  
Crawford: I'll tell you in a minute, Schu. For now.... *takes aim at Pickles*  
  
Pickles: Meep! Floof save me!!!!!!  
  
Credits go to..... my dog. Because my dog is a sweetheart, and he doesn't bark at everyone I know, like everybody else's dog does..... Thank you, Snickers. (I didn't name him, I promise.)  
  
What? I felt like doing something different with my credits!!  
  
Crawford: Those had better be your last words.  
  
*Pickles waves magic non-gel pen frantically, causing Crawford and Schu to disappear* Whew! Now that that's over... Here's chapter eleven.  
  
~~~  
  
Nanashi- ch11  
  
Decisions  
  
~~~  
  
He's so beautiful.  
  
That's what I think as I watch him sleep.  
  
When he's awake he's beautiful too, of course, but now - now he's beautiful in a different way. Moonlight gilding his tan skin, giving his golden hair a white cast, he looks like an angel waiting to be awakened to do some great work. Not that I believe in all that, or even used to, but he's almost enough to make me believe it.  
  
His face in sleep is innocent, occasionally twitsed in nightmares of things he's done or seen. But generally he's got a childlike quality to him in sleep, so different from when he's awake, when he's got a mask hiding all his old scars. I should know. I've spent enough time watching him.  
  
I've snuck into his room the past three nights just to watch him sleep.  
  
I don't even know why I did it the first time. I just wanted to be close to him, I guess. But I was struck by how perfect he is. I wanted more of this amazing perfection. So here I am. Again.  
  
His breathing hitches, and I watch him anxiously. If it's a wet dream, I'd better leave, but if it's a nightmare, maybe I can get him into an easier sleep. His face twists in what is unmistakably fear, and he cries out. "No!"  
  
I lay a hand on his shoulder gently, the other on his chest. He calms slowly, and his breathing evens out. I smooth his brow back into the quiet innocence. He looks so... perfect. Even now.  
  
My eyelids are heavy, though, and I cannot stay much longer. Even a white hunter needs his sleep. I bend and kiss his forehead gently. "I love you," I whisper to him.  
  
I... what?  
  
No, I don't. That would be pointless. Yohji loves Aya. He'll never love me.  
  
I lust after him, that's what I do. He is that beautiful, after all, that is quite possible. I don't want him with my heart. I want him with my libido. I don't love him. He's my friend, and he's gorgeous. All I want is a friends with benefits situation. I don't want him as a lover.  
  
But... I do. I do love him. Why else would I go to such lengths to take care of him? Why would I try so hard just to see him smile again, if he was only my friend? Why would I do that?  
  
I love him anyway.  
  
I walk to his door, and turn to look at him one last time. "I hope one day you can be happy again," I say to him gently. He deserves it.  
  
~~~  
  
My eyes pop open. I was halfway asleep when Ken kissed my forehead, but I was definitely awake by the time he finished saying he loves me.  
  
Why does he love me? He's got to know I love Aya.  
  
But...  
  
I feel ready to give up on Aya. It's been more than two months since Birman told us what happened, since we all tried to say something to him. That makes it more than four months since he left, and five months since he broke up with me. He still hasn't come back.  
  
I'd go to him, but I don't know where he is. I still hope Aya comes back. But I also recognize the likelihood of that is extremely slim.  
  
I'll always love Aya.  
  
But Aya doesn't want me.  
  
Ken loves me. I should have sen it before, really - the way he always took care of me, cheered me up when I was down, put me to bed when I was plastered, made sure I ate - all of it put together positively screams it. I guess I was just so preoccupied with being miserable that I didn't notice.  
  
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do.  
  
Ken is really nice. He's cute, maybe even a little handsome, something I'm not. He loves me. He's funny, he does unexpected things. He takes care of me. He's got an ungodly amount of patience. He makes sure everbody's happy before he looks to his own happiness. He's not perfect, but he is everything a person really needs to be lovable.  
  
But he's not Aya.  
  
I could never love him the way I love Aya. But maybe... maybe I could love him in a different way.  
  
He deserves for me to try.  
  
But I don't want to hurt him.  
  
It seems I have a choice to make.  
  
Ken... who I don't feel so strongly for... or Aya... who owns every last bit of my soul, I love him so much?  
  
Ken, who I know will stay with me forever, or Aya, who's already proven he might not do that?  
  
Ken, who is here right now, or Aya, who might never came back?  
  
Ken? Or Aya?  
  
~~~  
  
This is weird.  
  
Yohji's been staring at me from across the table the entire time we've been eating breakfast. Omi's gone - went to a "friend's" house to spend the night - so there's no one to fill up this horribly loud silence for us with happy, meaningless chatter. I'm having at full-out breakfast like I always do - sausage, eggs, toast, and juice - while Yohji has his usual fare of cold pizza. We've spent the entire meal not talking to each other. I'm not looking at him, and he's constantly looking at me. He's really disconcerting me.  
  
Finally I look up at him. "What in the hell is your problem today?" I ask him. He just stares at me. "What in the *fuck* are you staring at me for?" I say loudly.  
  
"Were you in my room last night?" he asks me quietly.  
  
I lose all my energy. I look away from him. I can feel heat rising to my cheeks. "Maybe," I admit.  
  
"And did you say you loved me while you were there?" he continues, still quietly.  
  
"Yes," I say again, turning even redder. If he has to be asking me this, I could at least answer him without blushing. I hate my body. "I do."  
  
"Why?" he asks me. "You know I can't possibly return it full-force."  
  
I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe because you needed to be loved. Maybe because I needed to love somebody. I don't think the reason really matters." I look at him. "And I know you can't love me the way you love Aya. I'm not asking you to." My voice gets quiet. "I'm not asking you to love me at all." I look away from him. "But it sure would be nice," I add to myself.  
  
He shifts hin his chair uneasily. "I - look, Kenken, this is hard for me. I'm trying to say something here."  
  
I look up at him. "If it's bad, tell me now."  
  
"It's not bad," he says to me. "Or at least - I don't think it is. I - think you're really a pretty good guy, and you're so much more than that too. I think you'd really be worth everything I could give you. But you have to understand I couldn't give you everything. I don't have everyhing anymore." He sounds sorry about it, and I know he is somehow. But it's not his fault. It's not his fault Aya ran away with everything he had, and left him with broken shards.  
  
"I know," I say to him. "But I don't want to make you do anything."  
  
"You wouldn't be," he says, shaking his head. "I - want this. I really do. I want to know that I can make something work." His green eyes plead with me, beg me to say yes, and even though I was going to say it anyway, I'm suddenly struck with the overpowering urge to do so *now*.  
  
"Do you honestly think I could make you happy?" I ask him slowly. "Would you really be willing to try?"  
  
"Ken, just asking says I'm willing to try," he says to me, voice tinged with desperation. "And I honestly think you could make me as happy as anyone else ever could at this point."  
  
I nod slowly. "All right then. We'll try."  
  
He sags with relieve into his chair. "Thank you, Kenken."  
  
I scowl at him. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate being called Kenken?"  
  
~~~  
  
I watch Ken as he wolfs down his breakfast. Not to watch the way he eats - I noticed that years agao. But I watch him to - reassess is the best word for it, I guess - his physical merits. His perpetually messy brown hair has decided to flatten itself to his head today, so it hangs over into chocolate brown eyes that have a warmth to them Aya could never affect. He's got this cute snub nose that works for him perfectly, and his lips, generally smiling but eating at the moment, are full and look soft. His sun-darkened skin has a healthy glow to it. He's sort of on the short side - but not enough to make a huge difference if I kissed him. He's heavily muscled where Aya was strong in a lean, lithe sort of way. Ken certainly doesn't have Aya's exotic beauty, but he's the perfect Boy Next Door.  
  
His head snaps up, and he looks annoyed with me. "What in the hell is your problem today?" he asks me. My eyes widen. What? "What in the *fuck* are you staring at me for?" he says, irritated.  
  
Oh. That. I guess I might as well tell him. "Were you in my room last night?" I ask him. Quietly, so as not to scare him off.  
  
He blushes - it's... cute - and looks away. "Maybe," he admits.  
  
"And did you say you loved me while you were there?" I ask, ignoring his discomfort. "Yes," he says, positively glowing at this point. I stifle a laugh at how cute it is. "I do."  
  
"Why?" I ask him. I honestly don't see why anyone would bother caring about me. Especially when I can't care about them in the same way. "You know I can't return it full force."  
  
He shrugs in a careless manner. "I don't know. Maybe because you needed to be loved. Maybe because I needed to love somebody. I don't think the reason really matters." He looks at me, and his warm brown eyes are understanding in a sad sort of way. "And I know you can't love me the way you love Aya. I'm not asking you to. I'm not asking you to love me at all." He looks away from me again. "But it sure would be nice," he adds bitterly.  
  
I fidget. Can't he see I want to? "I-" I start. I notice he's still not looking at me. "Look, Kenken, this is hard for me. I'm trying to say something here."  
  
He looks at me cautiously. "If it's bad, tell me now."  
  
"It's not bad," I tell him. "At least, I don't think it is. I - I think you're really a pretty good guy, and you're so much more than that too." Way to go, Kudo. Wonderful way to tell him how much he *really* means to you. "I think you'd really be worth everything I could give you. But you have to understand I couldn't give you everything. I don't have everything anymore." There. I think that sums it up nicely.  
  
"I know," he says to me gently. "But I don't want to make you do anything."  
  
He can't say no. I need to know this can work! "You wouldn't be. I - want this. I really do. I want to know that I an make something work." I'm trying to be calm, but it's not working.  
  
He thinks for a second. "Do you honestly think I could make you happy?" he asks me. "Would you be willing to try?"  
  
"Ken, just asking say I'm willing to try," I say desperately. "And I honestly think you could make me as happy as anyone else ever could at this point." Ken has to say yes.  
  
He nods slowly. "All right then. We'll try."  
  
I slump back into my chair, relieved. "Thank you, Kenken."  
  
He frowns at me, and says something that will forever strike me as the funniest thing he's ever said. "Did I ever tell you how much I hate being called Kenken?"  
  
~~~  
  
Nagi: You could pair me with Ken, you know.  
  
Pickles: Now you two would be cute together.... But do you honestly think you could stand the perpetual happiness?  
  
Nagi: You think Omi is any better?  
  
Pickles: You do have a point....  
  
Nagi: Come on, I'm tired. Schu and Crawford kept me up last night being so loud.  
  
Pickles: So lay down.  
  
Nagi: Not in front of all the readers.  
  
Pickles: Never thought you'd be modest. It's cute.  
  
But addressing you people... REVIEWS!!!!!!! This is a longer chapter. More reviews, please! 


	12. Fear

::strokes Nagi's sleeping head affectionately:: Welcome to another episode of the Young and the Restless, folks - excuse me, the Young and the Restful. You have to be quiet today so as not to disturb my lovely pet. He IS adorable, and quite nice once you get past the whole "I kill for money" concept. I love him so. I think I'll keep this one.  
  
Today's chapter is Aya-thought. No Aya-torture, aside from what he puts himself through. Nothing but Aya. No one else. At all. Just Aya, all alone with his thoughts. They are depressing ones, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.  
  
Dedications go to everyone who has ever given me a review. Double points to anyone who has sent me an email about it. If you do it for this chapter, I'll mention your name specifically in my next author's notes. It's rather fun, really. I like you people. I don't think you like me, but you do like my stuff enough to keep on coming back for more. I like the system, really: I write to get reviews, you review to get more chapters, I write to get more reviews, etc., etc., etc....  
  
And of course, I give an honorary line to my dear Nagi-kins.  
  
Did you ever think that I'm just a normal kid who has a slightly abnormal talent? That I might want to do normal things like go out with my friends? Make friends? Fall in love? Go on a date? Have someone who actually wants to date me who doesn't think of me as just jailbait? Because, Crawford, it sure doesn't feel like it.  
  
::beams at still-sleeping Nagi:: Sorry, but someone had to say it for him. He needed it to be said, even if he wasn't the one who said it.  
  
Anyway, chapter twelve.... What can I say about chapter twelve...  
  
It's short?  
  
Gomen, but the next chapter out there will be wonderful for all you Y/K fans. (I'm a Y/K fan myself... And Y/A... And Y/S... Hell, even Y/C... Yohji can sleep with everyone!!!!)  
  
Nanashi - ch12  
  
Fear  
  
They let me out today.  
  
I've been dying to roll off of my stomach for ages. I'm sure I've been well enough to do it for ages now. But the last time I tried, Aiko caught me and threatened to strap me down to the bed. I didn't want that, so I behaved. But I'm not using so many of my muscles that I'm sure I'm losing all my tone. I barely even felt a twinge.  
  
They let me sit up so I could have a psychiatrist in to see me.  
  
I'm not crazy. Why right do they have to bring in that sort of doctor when I'm perfectly sane? Well, not exactly perfectly sane. There is the fact that I kill for a living. Plus the matter of my fear - but that decreases every time I see Doctor Nguyen. I'm almost not scared of him at all anymore.  
  
She - the psychiatrist - told me it was because I trust him.  
  
I laughed. I don't trust anyone, I told her. Bring it on. Get another man in here and I'll show you I'm not scared.  
  
So she did.  
  
And I was wrong - I am still scared. I'm terrified. I was paralyzed, barely able to answer her when she asked me if I wanted him to leave.  
  
But she asked me if I was as scared of him as I was of Doctor Nguyen, and I said I didn't know, so we tried it again - and incredibly, amazingly, I was just a tiny bit less scared that time. Not a lot, but enough to make a barely noticeable difference.  
  
She said we would do it again tomorrow. Every day. Until I thought it was gone.  
  
She said the fear would always be there, in the back of my mind, and that if I was "homosexual," I would be best off with a "partner" I already trusted.  
  
She also said that I should start looking at myself in the mirror. Every day. For at least five minutes. I asked her what all this was about. She said that it would help me reacclimate myself with the male body, and I would feel more comfortable with it.  
  
I don't even look down when I go to the bathroom anymore. I don't want to know what's there. I don't want to know that I have the capability to hurt somebody the way I was hurt. And yet I know I won't be able to change it, change the fact that I am one of them, change the fact that I could hurt someone as much as, possibly even more than, he hurt me. I suppose I might as well.  
  
I don't even think his name anymore. My mortal enemy, whom I know I will most likely have to discuss at some point or another, and I don't even think about his name.  
  
She says that's all right. She says that that is one of the few defense mechanisms I have in place that isn't detrimental to my mental state.  
  
I've had a lot of time to think about Yohji and what I did. How much I must have hurt him by running away like I did. And why I did it.  
  
I was disgusted to find yet more fear. Fear of rejection, fear of the relationship falling apart, fear my love would hurt Yohji, fear Yohji would hurt me. Looking back, leaving Yohji was the stupidest, most irrational thing I've ever done. But hindsight is always 20/20, they say.  
  
That fear caused me to destroy my life.  
  
Which is why I have to overcome this one. I will not let fear destroy me again.  
  
But Yohji really cared about me. And I do love him. I owe him at least an explanation and an apology. And more than that, if he wants it. I will give it to him.  
  
I have to go back and tell him.  
  
That is, as soon as they let me out of this infernal bed.  
  
But now I have another fear.  
  
I'm afraid that this fear extends to Yohji, and that I'll be as afraid of him as I am of everyone else. But how can I be afraid of someone I love? If I really love him, won't that negate it?  
  
But then I dig up that fear - small, because it never had anything to feed on - that Yohji started this relationship with me just to hurt me, and I know I will be afraid of him.  
  
Please, whatever divine being is out there, help me get past it.  
  
::Nagi stares at the words::  
  
Nagi: You really enjoy playing with our psyches, don't you? ::yawns kittenishly::  
  
Pickles: Of course I do. You would all be a psychiatrist's field day. Especially you, Nagi-chan. ::scratches under Nagi's chin::  
  
Nagi: purr... What makes you say that?  
  
Pickles: Crawford. Slap. "Remember hate." Flashback. Need I say more?  
  
Nagi: Oh, yeah... I remember that episode... look, you do realize that offscreen we've never done any of that, and we all just like to sleep together, right?  
  
Pickles: Of course I do. Just look at all the fanfics around you. ::points at numerous PWP's:: But I don't write those. However, due to the ending, this entire series of fics must be classified as AU if you are going to read the sequel.  
  
LiNa: Stop talking about the sequel until you post it, damn you!  
  
Pickles: Be quiet. Pyro kitten...  
  
Wehall, what can I say, aside from... REVIEW!!!!!! Let me know exactly what you think of me wreaking havoc on the boys.  
  
Oh, and a side note. Read Bound In Blood by David something-or-other Lord. I know none of you have a problem with gay people. Well, his book is about gay VAMPIRES!!!! Sexy. Order it for your local library. Oooh, I get chills just thinking about it.  
  
And once again... REVIEW!!!! Let me know what you think of my literary taste. 


	13. Touching

Nagi: I hate Valentine's Day.  
  
Pickles: You're not the only one.  
  
Nagi: So tell me why you're posting today?  
  
Pickles: Well, if the readers are anything like me, they'll need a bit of a pick-me-up after V-day. Damn all over-commercialized Catholic holidays.  
  
Nagi: Even St. Patrick's?  
  
Pickles: No, Irish people are cool.  
  
Today's chapter is appropriately lovey-dovey, now that I think about it. It's Yohji/Ken all the way. The adorable Nagi-kins has perused it and said there was nothing wrong with it, aside from Aya wasn't there. But he knows how I write.... First an Aya chapter, then a Yohji/Ken chapter. My next (and final) chapter will be the end of this particular story, though not the arc. I love your feedback, the way you keep begging for more, and the end of this novella is appropriate to that. You WILL be wanting more if you're not so deathly annoyed with me that you quit reading this arc.  
  
Warnings: Heavy shonen-ai, Yohji/Ken (no Aya here, peeps!) If you dun like Yohji/Ken, I'm sorry, but you may as well go ahead and read it. I do like Yohji/Ken, along with Yohji/Aya, Yohji/Schuldich, Crawford/Yohji, and I could even consider Yohji/Nagi. I'm only utilizing two of said options. You should be glad. The Yohji/Ken thing is an integral aspect of this story, and it becomes more so in the next story. There are also other aspects which I do not use in this one which you may not like. I refuse to put a couples warning up, however. I don't believe that you would enjoy it half as much if you knew who was going to get together with whom.  
  
Nagi: Like me and Omi... ::glares::  
  
Pickles: I had to do SOMETHING with him to get him out of the way... I can't help it if I'm not partial to your boyfriend.  
  
Nagi: I would never date him. He's not a big enough man for me.  
  
Pickles: You do mean that in height, right?  
  
Nagi: Not in the least.  
  
Pickles: Ohhhhhkay, then. I'll just pretend you never said that, and you'll go on being the cute, innocent little kitten I like to think of you as.  
  
Anyway, on to the story. I'm trying to find a page break Word finds acceptable.  
  
@@@@@@@@@  
  
Nanashi- Ch13  
  
Touching  
  
@@@@@@@@@  
  
Yohji and I have been together for two months now.  
  
Life is great. We haven't really done anything, which I find to be surprising, but I've never been happier in my entire life. If they let me back into J-League, I'd die from all the happiness.  
  
He's surprisingly attentive, and he lets me have anything he can tell I really want. He's even offered to take me out more than a few times, but I tell him no. Maybe after a while, but not right now. I have a feeling this is something fleeting, like a handful of sand. It's going to slip away from me. That feeling is in my gut, and nothing I have felt there has ever been wrong before.  
  
There's a first time for everything, but I doubt it.  
  
So I try to enjoy the happiness while I can, while it lasts. I hope I'm wrong--but if I'm not I want to have every single memory possible of being with Yohji.  
  
The thing is, I think I make him happy too.  
  
He hasn't gotten seriously wasted since we've been together. I know I don't make him happy the way Aya did--when Aya was with him, Yohji had a grin he never wiped off his face, no matter how inappropriate it was. But with me, I see him with this little soft smile on his face. He can take his time and enjoy it with me. I'm not an extremist person. I can deal with it when he needs to be alone. I can deal with it when he wants to be together. With Aya it was always now, now, now, high or low. I can handle his mood swings--and sometimes he's as bad as a pregnant woman. He could throw everything he's got at me and I would take it. But he hasn't. He hasn't felt the need. If it weren't for this feeling in my gut, I would say we have a stable relationship.  
  
And another thing. He's a damn good kisser.  
  
@@@@@@@@@  
  
Ken is sitting draped over the armchair, an expression that screams "daydream" on his face. I wonder what he's thinking about.  
  
He's been really good for me. I feel a whole lot happier now, and I haven't seen him not smiling in weeks. He's no Aya. But in his own little way, he's just what I needed.  
  
I walk over to where he's sitting. "Penny for your thoughts," I tell him. He looks up at me and smiles. "Nothing in particular. Just you," he tells me. He scoots over to make room for me in his chair. "Wanna sit with me?"  
  
"Sure," I tell him. I plop myself down into the chair that really isn't big enough for the two of us. He worms his way into my lap.  
  
"You want to do anything today?" he asks me. I shake my head.  
  
"No, but I did want to ask you a question. When did you acquire your taste for romance manga?"  
  
He blushes adorably, and buries his head in my shirt. He mumbles something I can't hear. "Say again, Ken-kun?"  
  
He looks up at me, tomato-red underneath his tan. "I said when I was thirteen, somebody gave me one for a gag gift." He goes back to having his face buried in my chest.  
  
"I think it's cute," I tell him firmly. He doesn't say anything, but only stays put. "Well, it is," I reiterate. "It's adorable. I'm not laughing at you."  
  
"Promise?" he says, voice muffled.  
  
"I promise," I tell him, trying hard not to laugh. He's so damned cute sometimes it's not good for him.  
  
"All right then," he says, coming up for air. His hair is static now from rubbing against my shirt. I smile as I try to flatten it for him. He swats at his hair, but this only seems to make it worse. I do laugh, then.  
  
And I kiss him.  
  
His lips are soft, pliable, familiar by this point. His mouth opens to mine willingly, and I slip my tongue in, playing over the more sensitive parts of his mouth. He slides an arm around me, tightening his embrace. This is so nice. He's warm and willing in my arms, not in the way Aya was, but in another way that's really just as good.  
  
I want to show him how I feel about him. The want surprises me, but it has to be natural by this point. I've been with him long enough, and it's been a very long time since I slept with somebody. Ken looks so inviting stretched out across my lap like that.  
  
I break off the kiss. "What did I do to deserve that?" he asks breathlessly.  
  
"You were there," I tell him, looking down at him affectionately. I raise a hand to his face, and touch his cheek gently. "Kenken, can I touch you?"  
  
"You are touching me," he says, leaning against my fingertips. He closes his eyes, leaning into my hand harder. He reminds me of a cat the way he takes pleasure from simple touch.  
  
"I mean really touch you," I tell him, amused at the thought of Ken as a cat. "Please?"  
  
He opens his eyes and grins at me. "I thought you'd never ask."  
  
@@@@@@@@@  
  
Nagi: That's cute. Very.... Valentine's-ey.  
  
Pickles: What can I say?  
  
Nagi: How about this is the next to last chapter?  
  
Pickles: Oh yeah.... He's right, folks. It is. So expect a sequel, because even though this story is done, the arc is nowhere near from finished.  
  
REVIEWS!!!!!!!! 


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